Off the stage…

There was an actress, a good one, rehearsing her lines before the play, she knew she was ready she was born to do this and once the curtains opened and the lights flooded her eyes she forgot everything, all that she worked for.  Its not because she didn’t memorize it well enough, actually she did, she was just overwhelmed by the brightness of the lights and the piercing eyes of those watching, she can even feel their gaze on her skin. Then she just froze as if a bucket of ice cold water was poured on her. Then she opened her lips nothing would come out, she can’t find her voice. She closed her lips, desperately searching for the right words then she found it she just delivered the lines as she remembers it.

And just like that actress, I said each and every word repeatedly in my head for years… trying so hard to construct the best lines to say… and yet I screwed up. When the moment came when I decided to say goodbye the words never came the lines were all a mess. Then looking back I realized that no matter how many times I practice or how often I rehearse my lines it would never make things better… or at least less painful. I can give a lot of reasons for screwing up our last conversation. It could be the way he looked right through me that distracted me, the way I was trembling that nearly shattered me inside out, or the fact that he was asking questions I never expected, or that we are doing it in the streets, or it could be the most trivial things like the way he wore that leather jacket or the sweet scent he keeps on emanating, it could be a dozen of reasons but the truth is, it was just because I don’t really mean what I was saying.

I didn’t mean what I said, in more ways than one. I told him that we can’t be friends for the mean time up until I got over him, until my feelings are all gone. I told him that I needed much time because I’ve been feeling this for more than 6 years. I said that I don’t want him to be kind to me like the way he was and when he said I would regret doing and saying those things I didn’t agree and said that I would never regret it. I also said that I would have to go, refused on staying and that was goodbye. Everything I said was a lie, every word I would want to take it all back. Its not because I regret saying those words, its just that I should’ve said it in a different way, may be a better one, like the way I rehearsed.

It was not because I don’t want to be his friend anymore it was because I was hurting so much that I would want to end that pain right then and there, or so I thought. And maybe it was the idea of shocking him of the fact that he would loose me that maybe it would dawn on him that maybe in a deep, secluded and unknown part of his heart he would find the love I was praying and hoping for, but then again that part was non-existent and so nothing dawned on him. I lied on the part that I needed time to forget him or at least the love I felt for him, because I know, and was sure of it, that these feelings will never go away. Such strong emotions will just lurk around the corner and once in awhile bring forth the memories I was desperately trying not to remember

It was not because I didn’t appreciate his kindness because I do and I love him for it. His kind words, his glistening eyes, and that clever smile made me love him more with each passing day. You can see everything from those chestnut eyes of his, it holds hidden secrets, untold stories and maybe a few great adventures that only he will know, kept away from the prying of the world around him. His kindness, care and friendship are just a few of the reasons why I like him, and though I know it will take a long time before I run out of reasons to love him, still I want to start lessening it and maybe one day will come and I will wake up and find no reason at all to love him and maybe start to move on. I hope.

At that time I just wanted to get for away from him so he may never see those tears in my eyes that are threatening to fall any minute. I continuously reminded myself to breathe for my mind wasn’t functioning well and my brain was almost forgetting to make my organs work so I can breathe. At that time I just felt pure pain like thousands of needle trying to make their way to my heart. I was disappointed somehow, because I expected him to stop me or at least put up a fight or even resist but I didn’t get any of that. I thought somehow, since we were friends, he would ask me not to drop our friendship but he never did, he never fought for anything. He just let it go easily. He just let me go, just like that. After all the years I fought my feelings for him to save our friendship, after all those times I tried to bridge our differences and make an effort just for us to keep in touch, he just easily let everything go… he just let me go without even saying a word. Maybe I wasn’t that important that’s why it was easy for him. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I wasn’t much of a friend to him than he is to me. Maybe I meant nothing.

Had I known that it would still hurt just as much and it would hurt just as long maybe I should’ve said goodbye long time ago. I wish I never waited for so long before I did the right thing. If you ask me now if I am ok, I will tell you that I’m not. I am so far from being ok or fine. I am miserable because up until now I am hurting at the same time hoping that someday he will change his mind and maybe his heart will feel the longing to have me. Maybe one day he will realize that it was me all along. Maybe. But for now there is nothing left to do but to move on, start moving forward, even just one slow step. And maybe one day I will get there and see that there is life after loving him.

The curtains has already closed, the lights dimmed, the sits are now empty, and it is time. Time to step off the stage and get back to her real world.